i want to surround myself with those who can see even the smallest light in the darkness... or at least actively fight to find the light. or relight the light.

Its gotten to the point that whenever i meet someone new and befriend them that i assume theyre unhappy. Eventually these feelings are confirmed one way or another. Is EVERYONE unhappy?? or do i just attract the depressed? or maybe whingers... I'm a total whinger, so i guess it makes sense. Birds of a feather 'n all.

Some people say its not as black and white as that, that you can be both unhappy and happy simulataneously. i think whatever emotion there is more of wins out. So if gray wasnt an option...?

im having trouble bonding with my flatmates kitten.
i wish it could realise everytime it craps all over my possesions i love it a little less.

if you would like ill take you, this weekend, now that you dont have to work.
you dont have to worry about anything, ill pay, we can stay in one of the cabins i emailed you.
let me know...;) it would be fun.

email.

he is MARRIED.
MARRIED.

not retarded. just MARRIED.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

STUPIDLYINGDECEPTIVESCHEMINGPATHETICHORNYMALES

fuck. isnt anyone upfront about what they want these days? granted i probably would have said no to everything had i of known he was married. but i didnt. because he is a lying sack of shit :)... a beautiful, hilarious lying sack of shit.. but a sack of shit all the same!!!!!!

life.

I really should blog more

- I have a job, which I don’t enjoy – but I have a feeling I will just have to get used to that.

- I set my house on fire, put it out, spent 8hrs in emergency and saw Iron Maiden (with the sexiest man on earth) in Sydney within a 12 hour period. There was something very lonely about speaking to my mum on the phone as i sat outside of emergency waiting for my cab to take me home, completely exhausted yet knowing i still had a two trips to sydney and a metal concert to go too.

- I slept 0 hours over three days

I am SO over sleeping in ‘the palace’ (a giant cubby house built in my friends loungeroom) and being in an environment where a 6 pack and a big fat 5 0 each is a nightly occurrence. Its become kinda boring, and its hard not to participate.

I decided to fall out of contact with 2 oversensitive melodramatic hyper-strung “friends” of mine. Actually, they decided to fall out of contact with me. And I cant be bothered chasing them. I refuse to argue for the sake of arguing or attempting to make someone understand how I feel. If you don’t get it you don’t get it – even if you’re pissed off at me. Anger is fine (and your anger is justified) but it needs to be able to be seen through. I resolve to make more friends like myself - unconditionally laid back. ITS NOT THAT I DONT CARE. BEC IS EMPATHY. I care more than youre probably capable of...  to the point where its almost crippling. and even if my mouth WAS foaming with anger, id still not behave like you, id still not treat people nor friends as you have done. the end.

which also reminds me of the way I’ve been spoken to/treated lately by a few other people, I think perhaps I am a little too easy going. Every once in a while it seems i need to remind people that I deserve respect, as they have mine… I think the main problem is I don’t jump on a problem as soon as it happens, I give it time to fix itself... and people are mostly careless, thoughtless beings who wont give a second thought to anything concerning anything other than themselves.

I don’t find derogatory humor amusing, I don’t find aggressive behavior endearing - directed at me or otherwise.

Actually, generally speaking, I don’t find human behavior acceptable at all at the moment, apart from Kevin Rudd saying sorry, upon which I cried like a baby. Kevin Rudd will go far. He knows how to relate to people, from the wording of his apology to his choice of ministers. I might mention too that I don’t find Dr Nelsons response as disgusting as most. I certainly wouldn’t have turned my back. I mean, it wasn’t the best time to mention the ‘disgraceful’ conditions in which indigenous people live in… nor specific instances such as the young girl raped by 10 men… nor was it the best moment to seemingly attempt to justify past governments actions. These are things we’re all aware of. Yesterday was a day of apology and the focus should have remained on positively and action. We all know there is a hell of a way to go before we close the gap. The majority of his speeches meaning (Nelsons) wasn’t too far from Rudds. Where Nelson was a little off topic Rudd was equally as pompous (I think it comes naturally to him) so Kudos to the both of them. They did try their best to leave political agendas aside.. but at the end of the day, they’re still politicians. 

Side note… ‘Sorry Day’ – if this becomes a national day of generic apology ‘sorry I broke the vase, mum’ or as a friend of mine received ‘as today is sorry day I thought I should apologize to you. sorry I have been out of contact for so long’…I think ill start slapping people. I might just be overreacting but to me actions of this kind cheapens the days true meaning.

I have the flu. I hate being sick in sunny weather!

Ive played more guitar, read more books, painted more pictures and listened to more metal than I have in a looooong time. Im also becomign increasingly happy spending time alone, and less concerned with people. its been WEEKS since i last had sex.. i think my hypersexdrive has tired. good thing too, it was getting ridiculous...... theres only one person im even slightly interested in fucking, and i have no idea how to go about it - he considers me an amusing child. 

this post has been rather anti-people, hasnt it. i guess the less time i spend fucking and drinking and getting stoned, the more time i spend thinking and observing.

i really want to buy a dog, but im planning to travel soon so i dont think thats the best idea. but id love an animals company. fish dont count! i dont care what you say, fish dont count. you dont hug or pat fish. they cant share your bed with you. they dont count. neither do birds.

anyway... tangenty.


going now, to finish watching the first season of LOST as i was doing last saturday, before i burnt my house down. ok, kitchen. down.

~xx

i felt a tickle on my arm, and sure enough when i examined the area to find the culprit i discovered... a wormything. It had a small ball like head and seemed to enjoy standing on its end tip and waving itself around in the air as though its fitting. Cootamundra is a strange, strange place.. with strange, strange bugs (and people).

My brother drew me a picture. Its a man pointing at a rock.

I gave the dogs (border collie and cat-like jack russell) a bath. now theyre soft and smell good - and are also thistle free. they behaved theirselves quite well, this time. i think it was because of the weather and also the way in which i was holding them - underneath the belly. i didnt need to use leads or much force at all. i reckon they only ever get proper baths and brushings when im home.

i return to canberra tomorrow and may not have the internet for a while - kinda scary thought... tomorrow will be spent in the garden, though. i have been told it is going to be 40oc - but i will have my family with me and its all been organised so we will have to soldier on. i hate heat.

~xx

i think its the need for distraction
but its driving me to do crazy things
things which
im not all that proud of
the only two people who read this journal *hopefully* know what im talkin' bout.
no i didnt do it again... well.. least... not exactly the same... 

ahem. this time he (note: singular) also removed a spider :D lol.. like i always say... theres boy jobs and theres girl jobs... spider removal = boy job. Im more than happy to unpack/repack a dishwasher if it means ill never have to find a spider in the house.

 im still finding it kind of amusing, like its someone elses life and im just listening to the stories.


also
rhys doesnt know what he is talking about when it comes to eric
and should just shutup
lol

Which reminds me naww Eric drunkenly told me dag stuff comes second NAWW when referring to his work/uni crap he has to do and does allll the freakin' time.. he is also taking a few days off this week because he has been working too hard. you know what else he said? he's not seen anyone outside of work since the last time he saw me.. i cant even REMEMBER when that was :| maybe like, two weeks ago? INSANE.
he even missed his work christmas party because he was called into a meeting.

hm, he so likes me. or does he? i should ask. fuck that. lol.. so immature... much more fun this way.. maybe lol

speaking of rhys, been talking to  him a fair bit - which is fun :) he keeps trying to get me to move in with him which is cool, one day i will take him up on the offer, maybe in a few years lol.. when i get back from Scotland.

You know what i find amusing about being friends with guys? unless youre considered 'one of the lads' theres ALWAYS a chance your male friends wil try to have sex with you/kiss you at somepoint. drunkenly, whatever. 
Girls are friends with girls, even lesbians.


in other news, ive been seeing alot of different groups of friends lately -w hich reminds me KATHRYN WE NEED TO CATCH UP SOON:) what are you doing thursday/this weekend lol lets swim or.. watch movies or talk about sex! yay!

hmm

i have a headache
probably due to all this thinking.

my pillow smells like boy
and i have lovely shaved legs right now
mmm smooth.

also, the house is spider free again. *rejoices*
i might be a vegetarian, against eating meat, against killing animals..
but...
should i spider wander my way...
all the hippylove in the world couldnt stop me grabbing a can of flyspray and drowning the poor little thing to death.


~xx

OH. MY. GOD.

I WROTE THE BIGGEST POST
THEN HIT BACKSPACE TO DELETE A TYPO
AND IT DECIDED TO TAKE ME BACK TO MY LJ LOGIN SCREEN

YOU PRICK.
COMPLETE, UTTER PRICK.

you know, it was also randomly turning on 'insert' before as well, meaning that id virtually already had to write the post out twice.

sigh.

im not writing it out properly again.  i refuse. you win, laptop, you win... did you know i was particularly enjoying myself and that i had written things i genuinely wanted to remember?

yesterday = awesome

went to kathryns = interesting conversation :D and many laughed ensued. ok, im gunna leave that sentance as it is because.. well.. just look at it? could i have possibly gotten it more wrong? no.  much laughter is what i intended to write. my hands take over sometimes.

rob and aleisha came to kathryns for a swim and robs first game of Marco Polo!= pretty fun! i cant swim.. well, i can swim, but ive never actually *SWAM* as in - laps or for fitness. I even escaped having to do swimming at school. but yes i bobbed around a bit, was fun. Also highlighted the need to buy swimmers. properlike ones, not a singlet and massive boardshort material pants rolled up to the knees. yes.

went to robs to help him make big brother audition tape = preeetty funny, more so because of the comments we made amongst ourselves whilst watching the footage, lol... theyre editing and filming some more tonight i hope it works out lol...  but yeah. i reckon our group of friends and extended friends are pretty damn funny. especially when theres a room full of them.

ate a vegie burger for dinner = had potential, problem was also had far too much sweet chilli sauce.

aleisha pulled hideous faces on the video cam = was pretty amazing, really, that one could look so damn bad! and so unlike herself. ESPECIALLY in night vision. ameila screamed and ran to rob. lol. shes so girly.

*noticed while the other girls groaned and said 'awww' at slightly/extremely insulting jokes i was laughing along with the guys, heh!

theeen went back to kathryns, we chatted for a while, looked at some stuff on the net (lol, the internet is such a HUGE part of my life lol - in so many different ways - job hunting, people meeting, art browsing, music finding, impulse purchasing, you tube'ing, wikipedia & googling... so many things to do...)

then i slept on a fold out bed on the floor as i didnt want to get in her bed and kick her in my sleep, as ive been known to do. true story/ies.

there was more.

but i really be fucked writing it out again :( maybe tomorrow ill come back and reflect or something lol

oo Curtain Wonderland... what an exciting sounding shop. Kinda like a real life Spatula World from the Weird Al movie - i think its called UHF?


~xx

And so the week begins.. i'm over it already. Bring on next weekend.
i need a job i enjoy.

mmm rain. STORMING. i love.

rain makes me happy. cold makes me happy. i should really move to another country. like the UK.. or europe...like IRELANNNDD. singing makes me happy. drinking makes me happy. blah blah toxins no wonder i feel sick blah blaaahhh.

worked today. over it.
interveiw and work tomorrow - yay. only work 3 hours tomorrow yay & boo. yaboo.

went to the dags last night ^_^ funnnn ^_^ watched House, didnt talk through it. Like the rules stated. "hey dag you can come over tonight if you want.. as long as you dont talk or comment during House" - something along those lines. 

what else.. had a spa. kick ass. lots of bubbles. like LOTS. did i mention kick ass?

hmm the dag out-5th-gradered me. no suprises there. i make no appologies for being retarded.

we sat on the balcony for agesss. I noticed on the way back into the house that his hair/head is like 2cm away from the ceiling fan in the loungeroom.

he jokingly invited me to late night shopping tonight in QBYN. bad abreviation = inability to spell. whenever i am there he always suggests hanging out again - but  mostly its something stupid and/or funny and/or daggy. like an election party or late night shopping or a trip to the library for him to show me his favourite sections.

he dropped me home this morning..which meant he didnt get to work till laatte. but still, what a champ. he wouldnt take no for an answer. he also looks pretty damn cute in a suit - i might add. what with all his little work tags and keys hanging around his neck. not so daggy. more bossmanlike.

 came home and colins car is out the front.. but he doesnt seem to be here. his phone was in my room too... i wonder.. why.

anyways.

gunna go and check emails and stuff ooooo
and play pacman :D

i love pacman :D

p.s crappy jobs = greater exposure to morons = i hate stupid people & cheapskates
p.p.s i am SO lookin forward to my dinner. satay rice & tofu & potato & salad. oh god yessss.

~xx